Stacey Moves

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Stacey's Saturday Night Highlights!

More often than not I am what some might call a "home body." I like the comforts of home, I like watching movies, I find myself more entertaining and attractive than most people I meet at bars or clubs. But last night I chose to go out; I made plans with my sister-in-law (Susy) and her sister (Christina) to go out dancing! I love dancing, I am always in the mood, but trying to go out dancing is something that usually leaves a pretty terrible taste in my mouth; needless to say, I had my doubts. I don't mean to suggest that I haven't had good- nay, great- experiences, however there pretty much always comes a point in the night where I look around and think to myself, "I must leave immediately." Getting on with the story, the events leading up to my night out progressed as expected: I spent the afternoon thinking of excuses for why I couldn't go, I thought of ways I could go home early, but then I started getting ready with my sisters-in-law and suddenly began to feel hopeful and confident. Due to the fact that I am still a neophyte when it comes to the so-called "scene" in Tucson (ahem), I called upon some sources to suggest a happenin' hangout for some ladies in the mood for dancing. By process of elimination we decided on Maloney's. I had no prior experience with this establishment, so I went with it. After an hour of listening to a deafening melange of music, we decided to leave when we witnessed a mom and daughter couple dancing to a remix of Nelly/"Sweet Home Alabama"- who the f*&% came up with that? I was fading fast, but knew I had to hold out just a little bit longer- I owed it to my new sisters (I have sisters!) to try a little bit harder to find some fun. My brother suggested DV8- a fairly sketchy dance club I had heard advertised on the radio and was always curious about. I couldn't think of anything better, and I had my big brother to protect me, so what the hell? What the hell, indeed. For all of you out there who have never been inside DV8, but have brushed it off as lame and sketchy anyway, let me confirm your instincts as DEAD ON. Have you ever wondered where the people who live in trailer parks go when they're in the mood for some good ol' fashioned techno and hip hop beats? How about that man buying beer at 7-11? Or the high school girls oozing out of their Ross Dress For Less skirt and tank top*? There really are no words to describe in writing the things I saw; DV8 truly is something one must experience. But we paid $6 each to get in, and GODDAMMIT we were dancing! The music was pretty terrible at first, but not entirely un-danceable (new word), so my cohorts and I marched on over to that dance floor and just let it rip. We had a good solid hour of dancing with only a few minor gross-out moments. Let me list a few: #1. The Christopher Walken look-alike. He stood there with his silver hair, that looked like a helmet, and leather jacket. Was he out by himself? Definitely. Was he dancing by himself? Absolutely. His dance moves? Branded on my brain. #2. The chubby pole dancing lady. She held on to that pole like koala bear to a tree branch. Cute? Cuddly? Frightening. Was she dancing by herself? Absolutely. Her dance moves? Too brilliant for words. Someday, I will show you. And #3. Two people actually- the middle-aged, overweight couple grinding on the bar stools. He sat on his bar stool, and she- she bounced on his lap like her life depended on it. Like a devastating car accident with blood and twisted steel, I could not tear my eyes away from that horrific sight. But I did. I joined #'s 1 and 2 on the dance floor and kept my eyes glued to Christina's. We danced, we got sweaty, we managed to deflect a creepy man who said he wanted to "three way" with us. "Um, no." I did spot one pretty attractive guy, but it didn't work out. I must point out the event of the night that left me truly puzzled: owing to my ample "junk in the trunk", which most of you should be familiar with, I can usually count on dancing with at least one black man. Not to sound derrogatory, but I've got what they like. Not at DV8. Those men, were nowhere to be found. The men at this particular club were more interested in the tweens up on platforms- in skirts- to which the DJ posed the question, "Do I see some lesbian tendencies tonight?" I must leave immediately. And we did. And I have to admit that I am so glad we went. Now I know why no one should go to DV8, ever, and I believe that everyone should be able to back up their opinions and beliefs with cold, hard facts. The kind that give you the heebie-jeebies and, in time, turn into solid gold comedy. There you have it folks, Stacey's Saturday Night Highlights. Join us next time for more laughter and lewd behavior!
*I do shop at Ross Dress For Less on occasion, but you know to which skirt and tank top I refer.


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